I am surely coming to realise even more so lately that creating my visions through a more collaged format, is what helps me to relive the moments most prominently.
At this point from my diary, I sort of hit a brick wall. I left my diary a few days and was reminded of how bad my memory really is. All I could pick up on were the things such as “Luke you’re going to start being even more healthy, starting the gym too”. I feel like some part of me is doing this to tell myself this will make the sleep paralysis go away? Wishful thinking for sure. I’ve really been concerned about my memory lately and it’s not helping by being confused my what’s actually real and what isn’t every morning.
After looking back at my visions which depicted different elements of lights, the artist Bill Viola sprung to mind. Wow his work literally makes me feel like I’m reliving some parts of my nightmares, freaky. Making the images and screens larger really gives impact. As I’m moving forward with my use of photos and video these seem key points to consider. Viola considers the electronic sound towards the fundamental human experience eg. birth and death… all aspects of the consciousness.
When are we actually conscious, how much are we in control of our own bodies?
How much should I exploit my inner thoughts to the audience and how much of what is in my head is actually true? I’m still feeling confused by my ‘sleeping’ mind myself and looking at an artist who looks at the crosses between different experiences of ones human life, has made me re-consider how much of what’s in my conscious and subconscious minds cross over?
As well as figuring out shapes and their importance to my sleep, sounds, lights, and any significant noises tended to have great impact from Summer on-wards. This can be from any point in the day which stick with me whether consciously or subconsciously. From this I can weirdly visualise obscure patterns and lines? It feels as if they can be a large build up of daily activities contrasted with the subconscious, crazy mind.
My work always looks creepy?
No matter how much I try my work just goes so creepy? Hidden thoughts pushing out a dark side of me which is quite disturbed. I’m really starting to feel like there’s a part of me which has these compressed thoughts. I mean I keep having these random vile thoughts which surely the ‘average’ person wouldn’t get?
Sleeping and realising objects around me play such a big part to the way in which my sleep can end up….Blinds rattling and tent likes structures to coats being hung up? They seem to make the unconscious mind feel fear and have false accusations. Shadowing the face in my work just seemed to make sense at this point with my current sleeping status and exaggerating features was initially and purposely done thing but I later realised, were happening due from unintended exaggerated shapes.
Tracey Emin is a significantly known artist and has inspired many I’m sure but I have had to say, looking over her work again recently I have really connected to some of the ways she’s illustrating her work. Her work often pulls towards the confessional, confrontational and the explicit but the cumulative effect is extremely powerful.
I weirdly enjoy the un-comfort of Emin’s work and she is currently inspiring me to become more daring with my visions. Confidence seems key and using text to exploit these factors even more so has really started to develop my work to a greater, more strengthened understanding.
I would say I’m able to to ‘exploit’ myself more so through photography weirdly rather than drawings/collages but i do want to see if I can emulate these thoughts and visions in my drawings more so the more I create them and become more confident.
Much of Emin’s work also speaks volumes about past boyfriends and how she’s been made to feel etc, I connect to this more through being made to feel a certain way by something which isn’t necessarily controllable. Feeling like your bodies been violated isn’t pleasant at all and vocalizing this with the confidence I’ve been getting lately has been like a sense of release.
Matisse’s work surrounds the boundaries between line and colour. His work came up quite randomly whist searching for some visionary influences and he got me thinking about how I react to my visions and the boundaries I’m pushing myself?
Talking about seeing shadows and intense weights of strength on myself, maybe I could see how more domineering uses of shapes and lines could impact these drawings? I really admire his cut-outs and blocked bodily shapes and the way in which he “cuts directly into vivid color.” Being harsher and more confident with my mediums are maybe something I could develop further? Even if I stick to a more expressive way of working use of various shapes and lines seems a good way to move forward with and enhance through my visions. Considering things around the main part of my visions could potentially depict a more story telling piece. – But do I even want narrative as such? – I mean I like keeping a date and a link to my diary but having some more ‘abstract’ elements is what makes my work that little more personal. Using them as snippets and little glimpses of what I remember and what i think I remember, is what I feel makes the work that bit more connected and interesting.
I’ve also found myself beginning to consider how I express my body positions in video and photography more so lately, in relation to what I think I’m doing in my sleep. Matisse’s weird body shapes are only helping me to relive and express this more so as I feel these are vital parts to actually getting to grips with full understanding whats actually going in my head.
Realising when I write things down sometimes in a rush, I can repeat and not make full sense, is another element I’m trying to connect with. I find I’m tending to re-read and even still then finding that I can read a word as something slightly different? Maybe I need to have some tests taken?
Words that people say to me throughout the day which trigar an emphasis towards something which may have happened in my sleep recently or even just have some form of relation, can then play on my mind and become a new story or even just haunt me over the upcoming nights. It’s even got to the point of feeling on edge talking to people in regards to certain subject matters.
Trying to get away with not paying for a train ticket is all good and well in the moment but definitely bit me in the ass as a consequence it seemed. I struggled to sleep the following night even though in my head I didn’t care? part of my mind tricking me again or hidden stress exaggerated? Seeing bright fuzzy lights, not just in my sleep but in day to day situations has came more apparent.
All in all I really feel as if keeping this dairy and creating work which potentially is helping me to confess to myself and understand what’s actually happening to me. it’s as if these visions and notes are me reliving my darkest moments, may not always be a nice thing to keep being reminded of but it’s definitely helping in the long run.