Not being able to trust the people surrounding you…

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Polaroid SNAP
Polaroid SNAP
Polaroid SNAP
Polaroid SNAP
Polaroid SNAP
Polaroid SNAP
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Boomerangs

Amongst other little bits I’ve been trying to develop over the past few months, video is surely a strong stimulating factor. I’ve been working on a series of Boomerangs which relate and remind me of the maybe ‘less obvious’ parts of my visions. Obviously my body and mind are the main factors but I do see more than just figures for sure. Sometimes on the build up to the sleep paralysis, coming out or even overlapping, vivid shocks of light and sudden movements appear, no matter when, all I know is, flickers of light and movement feel key moments to pull through on further investigations.

I’m hoping in using these little snippets in-between other areas of the nightmares, can build up a more layered process of what happens hopefully! Obviously Quinlan’s use of body, smoke, and mirrors deeply inspired me lately and this loose way of translation, and I really want to keep up these boomerangs as i see something more happening here!

Eileen Quinlan: Exposure

Quinlan looks to find ‘Radical beauty’, there are many ways of possessing beauty and it’s not always through the obvious. Using mirrors and smoke often, Quinlan reaches a tendency towards allusive abstractions. Using a cross between the body and abstractions, she develops this personal nature, how are we perceived when exposed on a whole new level? What do we still consider as beauty?

Lately I have been taking small boomerangs as well as sound recordings in the hope to discover and/or trigger ways of exposing the inner mind and body. Becoming more personal through these abstractions has been extremely interesting and adds a new layer to delving into yourself as the artist much more. Layering seems a strong apparent resource and is something I wish to go forward with and use not only within stills but my ongoing video work.

Quinlan’s work feels quite sexual also and lately I’ve been having some tormenting sexualised, extremely vivid nightmares which have this cross between a closeness to a friend and feeling betrayed and almost raped? Binding and exposing these inner thoughts and feelings feels very intense but I now feel able to express this and maybe the dramatic, intense nature is what I now need  in my work?

  Contact Hour,  2014     30 x 24 inches   

  No One Sleeps,  2014     30 x 24 inches      

  Attachment , 2014  30 x 24 inches      

Exposing

Lately I’ve been feeling so much exposed by the night terrors, they seem to be a lot more up and down again and I feel like my body is much more exposed some how. Whether this is from keep my diary and having this record which can at times relive moments for me, I’m not sure but all I know is I feel this huge sense of escape.

I seem to always lock myself in my room and enjoy space so much more of an evening. Maybe this could be to do with the fact of not having my own room at home? – That stress over the years could have played a part in this sense of needing to be alone, I can become so distressed and irritated so I feel this time alone is a sort of fix. But then I also go into the dilemma of too much time alone makes me go a bit loopy (‘LoopyLuke’). Am also by doing this, closing apart of my mind away from dealing with real issues? When it’s came to actually sleeping at the moment, it feels like in one moment a part of me is trying to climb of the bed and all sorts but as per usual nothing is actually happening.

Another reason for more exposure in my latest work, i this sexual nature which keeps recurring? I’m trying to establish why it’s happening. Maybe I’m really feeling lonely in that sense or it could be from recent things I’ve watched/seen or even a mixture of all of to be honest. I wake just after these moments sometimes feeling like I’ve been sexually assaulted and for moments after it really does feel like I’m being forcefully touched!

I’ve came to this realisation sort of I guess, a large part leads to suppressed emotions and things I’m trying to not think about! Working with this cross between the calm and the chaotic seems to be expressing all these thoughts the best so all I know is I want to keep pushing these elements further and develop work which stimulates what I keep feeling inside. The more personal I go the more I keep seeming to figure out new things so I just need to keep going!

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Polaroid SNAP
Polaroid SNAP
Polaroid SNAP
Polaroid SNAP

‘POLAROID SERIES’

Diary polaroid series

In this series, following on from the previous artists and visions I’ve made as well as reading through my diary again, I was inspired to make this ‘Polaroid series’.

In this the main aim was to capitulate different significant, moments from my diary. where feeling partially sexually assaulted, abused, hurt, drained, attached and just seeing weird vivid figures and shapes all feel the most representative of what troubles me the most.

In my head I haead I can be doing so many things to be trying to help myself but in reality I’m pretty much still. Using some text to help relive these moments, I feel works but I didn’t want it to the extent of it all becoming obvious. I want to leave that to the viewers imagination. I mean I can often fee like I’m being pulled off my bed for example or pushing someone off but this really isn’t the case.

I have also felt the need to really expose my body as it seems only right with the fact that when I wake up my body often feels violated and I can even feel in pain as a result.

 

Daido Moriyama ‘Exploiting sexual tendencies’

Image result for daido moriyama the naked body

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Moriyama’s work contrasts between modern society and post war in Japan.

How were American’s perceived from then to now?

Creating crude, sensual and troubled photographs, he brings a new dimension to street photography. American’s as low lives in the 1960/70s and still today so explicit..lack of respect?

I’m even starting to think maybe my sleep is based from lack of respect for myself? Maybe the carelessness for my own body is part of what builds up to these sexual yet disturbed visions?

Mariyama’s work exploits the human body and makes me feel so much raw and open to my own body just from experiencing his photos. He also talks about taking close up observations of ladies fishnecks etc and how these objects feel and become such a ‘sexualised’ known ‘thing’? The way one positions themselves can be the key factor to how a you can be perceived and Moriyama documents these elements at their peak.

Does how I position myself when I sleep count to anything? Could this start to trigger something which pulls out apart of me? Or am I looking into this way too much? Even if so this artist is helping me to really think about so many more possible avenues. My visions become sexual so often these days and maybe expressing this through my work more so could give the viewer a greater sense of more than one or two factors which happen during my sleep.

Image result for daido moriyama the naked body

Image result for daido moriyama the naked body

 

 

‘It’s not just the alcohol’

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I would defintally say that my imagery work, as much as the vision books are helping me, give a more realism approach to my sleep paralysis. Getting back into my photography feels great and giving a more visual representation of my vigorous thought processes and confused states only seems natural to do so in this manner.

Many may just think these photos represent ‘alcoholism’ and standing alone I can see that myself but I am working on more of a series. This was inspired from when my Mum said something which has stuck with me since…..

“You have a problem, you do know that don’t you Luke” -Marie Mills

I know that the alcohol really isn’t helping my sleep and I really do need to calm this down if not for myself but the people around me! I have got used of drinking so much so quickly that it takes longer to actually get ‘pissed’. My mind is fucked as it is and I guess I’ve been telling myself that the healthy eating and walking was enough. It’s also probably time for a trip back to the doctors hehe.

Some of my visions at periods become so blurry and I’m starting to think hmmm maybe there’s a bit more reasoning to why it’s enhanced so much. I also wanted to emulate stress in these photos as stress is a massive problem for me. And yes alcohol does feel like an obvious answer, waking up feeling confused and sweaty, considering alcohol just feels easy but no I’ve never drank that early thankgod.

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20th July

I did represent these thoughts in my vision book too but just didn’t feel i was able to represent anything surrounding the subject enough.