Amongst other little bits I’ve been trying to develop over the past few months, video is surely a strong stimulating factor. I’ve been working on a series of Boomerangs which relate and remind me of the maybe ‘less obvious’ parts of my visions. Obviously my body and mind are the main factors but I do see more than just figures for sure. Sometimes on the build up to the sleep paralysis, coming out or even overlapping, vivid shocks of light and sudden movements appear, no matter when, all I know is, flickers of light and movement feel key moments to pull through on further investigations.
I’m hoping in using these little snippets in-between other areas of the nightmares, can build up a more layered process of what happens hopefully! Obviously Quinlan’s use of body, smoke, and mirrors deeply inspired me lately and this loose way of translation, and I really want to keep up these boomerangs as i see something more happening here!
Lately I’ve been feeling so much exposed by the night terrors, they seem to be a lot more up and down again and I feel like my body is much more exposed some how. Whether this is from keep my diary and having this record which can at times relive moments for me, I’m not sure but all I know is I feel this huge sense of escape.
I seem to always lock myself in my room and enjoy space so much more of an evening. Maybe this could be to do with the fact of not having my own room at home? – That stress over the years could have played a part in this sense of needing to be alone, I can become so distressed and irritated so I feel this time alone is a sort of fix. But then I also go into the dilemma of too much time alone makes me go a bit loopy (‘LoopyLuke’). Am also by doing this, closing apart of my mind away from dealing with real issues? When it’s came to actually sleeping at the moment, it feels like in one moment a part of me is trying to climb of the bed and all sorts but as per usual nothing is actually happening.
Another reason for more exposure in my latest work, i this sexual nature which keeps recurring? I’m trying to establish why it’s happening. Maybe I’m really feeling lonely in that sense or it could be from recent things I’ve watched/seen or even a mixture of all of to be honest. I wake just after these moments sometimes feeling like I’ve been sexually assaulted and for moments after it really does feel like I’m being forcefully touched!
I’ve came to this realisation sort of I guess, a large part leads to suppressed emotions and things I’m trying to not think about! Working with this cross between the calm and the chaotic seems to be expressing all these thoughts the best so all I know is I want to keep pushing these elements further and develop work which stimulates what I keep feeling inside. The more personal I go the more I keep seeming to figure out new things so I just need to keep going!
In this series, following on from the previous artists and visions I’ve made as well as reading through my diary again, I was inspired to make this ‘Polaroid series’.
In this the main aim was to capitulate different significant, moments from my diary. where feeling partially sexually assaulted, abused, hurt, drained, attached and just seeing weird vivid figures and shapes all feel the most representative of what troubles me the most.
In my head I haead I can be doing so many things to be trying to help myself but in reality I’m pretty much still. Using some text to help relive these moments, I feel works but I didn’t want it to the extent of it all becoming obvious. I want to leave that to the viewers imagination. I mean I can often fee like I’m being pulled off my bed for example or pushing someone off but this really isn’t the case.
I have also felt the need to really expose my body as it seems only right with the fact that when I wake up my body often feels violated and I can even feel in pain as a result.
I would defintally say that my imagery work, as much as the vision books are helping me, give a more realism approach to my sleep paralysis. Getting back into my photography feels great and giving a more visual representation of my vigorous thought processes and confused states only seems natural to do so in this manner.
Many may just think these photos represent ‘alcoholism’ and standing alone I can see that myself but I am working on more of a series. This was inspired from when my Mum said something which has stuck with me since…..
“You have a problem, you do know that don’t you Luke” -Marie Mills
I know that the alcohol really isn’t helping my sleep and I really do need to calm this down if not for myself but the people around me! I have got used of drinking so much so quickly that it takes longer to actually get ‘pissed’. My mind is fucked as it is and I guess I’ve been telling myself that the healthy eating and walking was enough. It’s also probably time for a trip back to the doctors hehe.
Some of my visions at periods become so blurry and I’m starting to think hmmm maybe there’s a bit more reasoning to why it’s enhanced so much. I also wanted to emulate stress in these photos as stress is a massive problem for me. And yes alcohol does feel like an obvious answer, waking up feeling confused and sweaty, considering alcohol just feels easy but no I’ve never drank that early thankgod.
I did represent these thoughts in my vision book too but just didn’t feel i was able to represent anything surrounding the subject enough.
I am surely coming to realise even more so lately that creating my visions through a more collaged format, is what helps me to relive the moments most prominently.
At this point from my diary, I sort of hit a brick wall. I left my diary a few days and was reminded of how bad my memory really is. All I could pick up on were the things such as “Luke you’re going to start being even more healthy, starting the gym too”. I feel like some part of me is doing this to tell myself this will make the sleep paralysis go away? Wishful thinking for sure. I’ve really been concerned about my memory lately and it’s not helping by being confused my what’s actually real and what isn’t every morning.
As well as figuring out shapes and their importance to my sleep, sounds, lights, and any significant noises tended to have great impact from Summer on-wards. This can be from any point in the day which stick with me whether consciously or subconsciously. From this I can weirdly visualise obscure patterns and lines? It feels as if they can be a large build up of daily activities contrasted with the subconscious, crazy mind.