Current exploration of the more sexual states which occur within my sleep paralysis between the mind and body, upon awakening and falling asleep.
It’s crazy how weirdly real the sensations feel and how forceful this domineering figure can become resulting in disorientation.
I’ve came to a realisation that this sexual figure, who may be someone close to me, seeks enjoyment to an extent in mocking me and being more dominant; a forceful presence. I can feel stiff and confused, with these weird sensations pushing pain, struggle and even slight enjoyment from myself, or at-least I think?
Now that I’ve started to feel more ‘clear’ ironically about some of my more sexual happenings, I’ve felt I’ve been able to be more selective in exploiting these feelings in some photographs. I have earlier posted about these but there are three which seem to make most sense for me. I feel they express the above spoken most effectively; I hope it confuses the viewer slightly I guess. Am I enjoying these moments or trying to escape – you tell me.
I am currently working on some more photography and video work, now that I feel more confident in what I’m portraying and that’s definitely the most important ingredient. It’s obviously not all about just the sexual elements and I want to exploit the transcendent moments of feelings of flashing lighting and disturbing sounds which occur from day to day things. I’m still in process of figuring out the ‘why’s’ myself but I guess this in itself is what part of my works about. Things I watch, do, hear and interactive with on a day to day basis, are things I’m certain at this point, do not help.
Possible work to display at Kongs Bar Cardiff, in my group Exhibition 27/02/18, exciting times!!
My work focuses on the subject of sleep paralysis. Sleep paralysis is a condition which takes form on those moments of falling into and coming out of a deep sleep.
I can often feel suffocated, in pain, tortured and more recently sexually assaulted to a level. One of my main focuses is to exploit what occurs in these moments. The triggers which affect my sleep such as napping and excessive drinking play important factors and consequently further the tormenting effects. I tend to do this by recreating the moments through mediums of photography, sound, video and collage.
I don’t want to necessarily tell a story but give a feeling, a moment where you can see this sequence of coming into and out of an ‘affected sleep’. The most torturing part is the fact that the majority of the time I ‘m not actually moving and it’s all in my head. It is also important for me to exploit what I see and hear but when I deem necessary. Contrasting all these elements then gives this insight to a part of my brain which feels like it’s creating another day in the time I’m sleeping.
Weirdly, the more disturbed occurrences can be overlapped with ‘normal’ happenings such as; TV sounds, visuals and conversations. And I say normal but even in these occurrences, the overlapping of the two subjects can then create buzzing noises and confusing flashes. I’ve found myself more recently using my phone to record with. My phone gives this sense of instant, raw reaction towards my sleep, it makes more sense to me in terms of being something around me at all times and is the quickest and most understanding way to capture how the illness has immediately affected me. Using ‘Boomerangs’ I’ve found an instant way to again emphasise on flashing, receptiveness and feelings of struggle.
The type of work I am in process of making in the build up to my exhibition are primarily in film and sound. I am working to a point of making at least one video or sound piece a week currently. This should result in me having at least 10-12 finalised pieces to use in my exhibition coming to the end of April.
A projector, lights, old box TV’s, disks, sound recorder, plinths, screw drivers, screws, tape measure, plug sockets, filler, sand paper, duct tape, white tack/ sticky tape, step ladder, paint, roller, extension leap, potential cable wires to keep extension leads neater, potential level, pencil, pen, masking tape/chalk/ sponge/cloth, dust pan and brush,
I plan to use the dark room or some other similar surroundings. Have a projecting film playing on a loop on the main wall, smaller videos playing on the box TV’s and sound pieces playing on another device. The lighting will be enhanced in specific areas to draw the audience towards the playing sounds and videos, conflicted by the disturbing nature of the playing sequences. I want the box TV’s to be layered on top of one another if possible and displaced to a point of feeling slightly uncomfortable. I want the arrangements to continue to bring feelings of awkwardness, confusion and drifting, relating to how I feel in the moments of my sleep paralysis. Flickering lighting, I plan to have to further these points; coming in and out of a deep sleep, a sudden friction, pull, blur and the sounds to further the echoing conversations and almost painful whaling vibrations.
(Elements will become clearer after my meeting with Neil next Thursday; such as exact spacing, how much and what equipment exactly need).
My screen sizes will be a basic sizing of box TV’s, my projection, should fit the majority of my focus wall and I plan to have QR codes and some form of links in which where the audience can watch the videos and other elements of my exhibition, through phone devices etc., in doing so, I feel this shall bring further intimacy and direct connections towards the personalisation of what my works about.
I expect the processing of my exhibiting to not cost much as I already have blank discs to burn my videos on to, I plan to borrow TV’s, a projector and sound recorders off the technicians, which I shall sign up for asap to make sure I get what I need. I will also be going to charity shops and other cheap stores to find TV’s as I appreciate the fact that other students will need to borrow them too. If walls and plinths need painting, this would cost little, as well as tapes and other small appliances. Laura the art supplier, also has other materials available and anything she doesn’t have, shouldn’t cost much.
Vito Acconi: ‘SEEDBED’ & ‘WHERE WE ARE NOW (WHO ARE WE ANYWAY?)’
And I guess, my need to express my inner, disturbed moments, also feel like this realise. It is this fixation a part of you gains, whether you have control or not, you become the object. Keeping these thoughts and feelings private feel like I’m hiding some part of me away, whether disturbing or not, they’re a part of me and need to be addressed in some manner. Similarly to how Acconi creates links between art-doer and the audience, I want mine to do the same between my mediums, my illness and the audience. This may not always be clear as such but as long as the audience feels, even just for moments, how I feel in the moments of sleep paralysis, I will have succeeded.
Uncomfortable, intrigued, tormented, confused, shocked, disorientated; all play as important key words.
Acconi’s works captured my eyes in consideration towards stimulating my exhibition work as it feels professional and the multi-angles emphasise on the eeriness and subdued nature of the work. With the head sets and screens being at head level, it feels perfect for the viewer to really engage with the work. Projecting visuals only further these elements more so.
But again further talks with technicians shall clear particular ideas up.
It was clear in earlier feedback that I could sometimes edit into my work too much sometimes and I wanted to make some more boomerangs which work more so alone. I am planning on making another video but even more simplified and feels like a ‘Boomerang collage series’. The last video was also keeping in mind my Dissertation and talks of schizophrenia as well as sleep paralysis and I obviously don’t want to lose these important factors but express them in a less forced manner.
I think it’s important to have elements of layering which are still demonstrating the flashing, sexual and sudden movement areas but not all the way through so that the visuals and sounds can be appreciated and speak for themselves when needed.
Using my phone as the initial medium in the beginning processes of creating my recordings has become quite important for me with the fact that my phone gives that sense of instant, raw reaction towards my sleep, it’s what’s always with me and feels more personal. It’s mine and only mine, tells more of a narrative from only myself and how I’m feeling in that current state of mind.
I feel that I am getting to more of a definitive point now but just questioning how bold some areas are. i do enjoy the harshness of marks but i think so whiteness could blend certain areas more effectively. It’s hard trying to find a balance between kind of outraging my inner thoughts into a piece and then them being too literal and harsh but with giving myself time, I’ve certainly been able to see this in a new perspective. The motion painterly marks, remind me of the mobius strip from Annabelle’s session and maybe I was subconsciously referencing that. It all get’s so exciting after going to workshops and learning so much more, I’ve opened up windows, I may never have anticipated.
It’s actually been so much more exciting creating collage this year!
Wow time does really effect how you look and develop your work, I’ve learnt so much more just from stepping back and coming to and from making the work. Spacial awareness is considered so much more and I’m actually understanding why I’m making it so much more, which obviously helps. The visuals and little bits of documents are all like my continuous thoughts and processes to letting out my inner self i guess. I don’t want to use the word mood-board but I guess you could perceive it that way, I find my self jotting down notes here and there and making small drawings to help stimulate ideas but seeing all these small fragments come together to this scale has helped so much more. It’s like a respondent to my videos, sound and visual pieces, I’m visually expressing this part of my brain which wonders more so in my sleep. marks which correspond to the disturbing sounds etc.
Within my last tutorial, a good point made which seemed to stick with me was the fact in previous video developments, I’ve tended to layer and work into them too much. I seem to get this idea in my head that everything needs working into a lot to feel complete. I maybe even throw too many different ideas and thought processes into one piece and in doing so, the strong visuals and moments become lost. So in this latest piece, I’ve kept these factors in mind and cut down on the amount of overlaying, speeds and general multi-medium usages. I’ve still layered where I felt necessary but to a point where I felt made sense and worked appropriately with the composing visual.
Using a group of boomerangs (an app which repeats for a number of a seconds, which is basically a mini video loop) and some previous documented sounds, I have built this collage of imagery sequences. The main elements I want to reflect were the moment of transcendency, a moment where one is coming out or into a deep form of sleep paralysis. This feeling of just getting to the point of feeling yourself moving again, the paralysis is surrendering itself to a point and you’re just getting to the point of ‘normality’ again (even if this takes a few minutes or hours to process and feel okay again). The recordings are all instant reactions to triggers from my sleep. Whether its conversations, odd sounds or visuals, they all give me this sudden recognition to a memory or a weird feeling related to my sleep. Not always an obvious trigger but possibly a subconscious moment, which later reacts over the following nights sleep but the fact remains of still recording these moments which trigger a part of my brain. Buzzing sounds are a popular outcome to awakening more so and it feels like somethings trying to escape my ears. Sometimes lights flicker and i get sudden shocks, ‘I see the light’ – If i can’t joke about these things these days, what can I do to be honest. The boomerangs of myself, felt like an instant exposure and reaction to the more sexualised moments within my sleep paralysis and refer back to previous work I’ve made around the confusion I get with them (enjoyment? Sexual abuse?).
In further research I think i need to keep these recordings going and see how an even larger buildup of visuals impact the above spoken about. Consider ways of presenting again – what makes most sense?…